Untitled

Trails and Faith

I said i would post more later and right now seems like a good time. The last few months have been hard on me and the kids. The struggle of separating, the kids adjusting to living with Mom and seeing dad when they can ( working around work schedule and his other responsibilities he has) and then knowing they have a great granddad that is having a hard time with medical problems along with their papaw who is struggling with cancer. I am trying to be strong for them but i too have to cry sometimes to let it all out. This family has been a part of my life for fifteen years and it does affect me too. Just because i am not technically a part of them no more does not stop the pain i feel for the heartache they and he is going through. Their father is having a hard time too. I sometimes wished i could be there for him as a friend but he does not want that. This is his Granddad and Dad that is going through this. I may be mean at times but part of me still loves him and always will. I want him to know i understand what he is going through. I also understand why he does not want my support and that is fine. You know who you are and know you are in my prayers. I keep an open relationship with the kids and inform them on what is going on. I am trying to prepare them for what will be coming in the future with the family. The boys are smart and they understand. I d not see their age being where they may not understand. I want them to know. I have been told they should not see their papa as he is now but remember the good times with him, i say NO! If you really think about it, they would come to you later in life and say i despise you from keeping me from him while he was like that. I do not want them hating me in the long run. They are old enough to know what is going on. And you can not always protect them from the bad things in life no matter how much you want too. It is a wait and see what the day unfolds now with everything going on. This is where faith comes in. I know in my heart i do not want him to suffer any more then he has already. I know there is a better place but it still hurts when you lose someone that has been a part of your life for so many years. So as i wait each day to see what is brought forth, i will keep praying and holding my head up and be there for those who needs it or wants it as i do what i have to do for my boys.

Feelings, Emotions, and Life in General

It seems everyone is going to a blog to start writing their feelings down; like an online diary now. I do not know how well this would work considering all the laws out their govern about name calling and slander of Character and such on. I am of course new to this myself so i will learn as i go and hopefully will not offend anyone in the process of learning. 

 Life: What is that all about? As a child you dream of growing up, having a good job, finding that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and have a good family. Making sure bills are paid, kids do not lack for anything and so forth. Then you grow up, realize its not a Happy Ever After theme like all books makes out to be. Real life kicks you square in the rear end and you find out just how hard it was for your parents to raise you and make the sacrifices they made. I am learning this as i travel through a new chapter in my life. The sacrifice i am making is that of my way of life i had become accustomed to. Lets face it, when you parents looks at you during your teens years and tell you” you really do not know what love is all about” Are telling you the truth. I was seventeen when i felled hard for a boy. I mean, i grew up being told guys would say anything to get you. I took that all to heart and had built a wall up around myself. the first time a guy done me wrong, i was like see ya and moved on down the road. Granted i was mature for my age at 14 and was allowed to date and have a curfew of midnight. My parents trusted me and i gave them no other reason not to. But technically did not start dating till i was seventeen with this boy. I fell hard and fast and my activities such as volunteering for Fire and Rescue became affected. I started making excuses to be able to spend time with this boy. Years later we became married and had two wonderful smart boys. I was happy and loved him with everything i had. Then problems started arising in the marriage. I wish i could say i was all innocent but that would be a lie. I had half the fault of the marriage failing as he did. We all make mistakes and learn from them. We bad mouthed each other and cut each other down. I became jealous of him. For years he was my world along with the kids. Then ex girlfriends started popping up in his life and it lead to problems that i wished i had better control over myself for but did not. We fought in front of the kids and that was not right either. Eventually he admitted to cheating on me and that just caused me to distrust him in everything. Did i help push him to this other girl? Most likely but was not intended too. We separated for a while and got back together to try and make it work. He still had my heart and i was tired of crying myself to sleep at night wanting him. I started college to help him out but even after two years this same girl came back into the picture and things went haywire again. All my old issues came back up and i flipped. I realized i had an anger issue with all the other issues. This caused us to split again. I cried for a while and then started hanging out with friends that picked me up. I waited yet again but this time only 6 weeks later. I finally started seeing where i was wrong in and tried to apologize for my behavior but kept getting “a little to late”. Yes we still fight and i have moved on with someone else because the boys and i deserve to be happy and have someone there for us. Life is more then just money! Its time spent with the family.  More to come later